


you won’t love me

by yeetings



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Underage Drinking, a wikihow article is referenced, basically charlotte is fem!charlie, dan is in love, phil doesn’t dye his hair in this one, phil is bi and also a dummy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24356476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeetings/pseuds/yeetings
Summary: Dan has been in love with Phil since he was fourteen years old, and Phil.... Well, Phil is just an idiot.
Relationships: Chris Kendall & PJ Liguori, Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Phil Lester/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 2





	1. we could be friends

**Author's Note:**

> title from front porch step — unaware  
> this is my fic that was originally written in russian (https://ficbook.net/readfic/7258197) and translated to english by me.  
> enjoy!<з

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dan is 12, phil is 13.
> 
> enjoy!<з

Dan looks at the boy sitting on his bed, writing something in his algebra notebook. Dan wonders what made this ray of sunshine think that doing his homework at his house, of all places, would be a good idea. 

The boy likes Muse too, and his ginger head is filled with dorky, adorable things. He laughs a lot, sticking the tip of his tongue out between his teeth, talks a lot, stuttering, swallowing the ends of words, passionate, spilling out his soul for everyone who tries to start a conversation with him. Howell didn’t even have to try. The boy just started talking to him, for no reason at all, and Dan sincerely didn’t understand how you could just walk up to a stranger and start talking to them. Yes, he only came to their school at the beginning of the year, but he could go talk to PJ or Chris, who are just as bubbly and alive, driven and interested in everything as him, like he usually did. But for some reason, this time, he chose Dan.

Maybe Howell fancied him a little bit. In the past few months they’ve known each other, he’d learned to know his classmate’s facial expressions, that his favourite show is “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, and his favourite band (which Dan was endlessly pleased to find out) was Muse. Dan isn’t weird just because he remembers all that. Well, maybe just a little bit. 

Howell has no idea, really, why this boy, who lights up the room with his sole presence, chose to waste his time on boring, bland, basic Dan. 

He looks at the boy’s short, red hair, his freckeled cheeks and blue eyes. Dan notices that the socks he’s wearing don’t match and that draws a small smile from his lips. Just for a second, the boy seems to notice Howell staring at him and turns his eyes to him. Dan quickly turns away, and something deep inside of him flutters. It’s a little harder to breathe. He tries not to pay attention to the weird feelings within himself.

“Hey, Phil?” he calls quietly, which turns the boy’s eyes back to him “Do you wanna be my friend?”


	2. unaware

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dan is 14, phil is 15  
> also charlotte is basically fem!charlieskies cause why not  
> lyrics taken from front porch step — unaware
> 
> enjoy!<з

_well I see you standing there  
and your eyes are unaware  
that I've been staring at them all night  
wishing the brain behind them cared  
about the way you make me feel  
or how your smile makes me nervous  
or how the fact that you exist  
makes me feel like I have a purpose_

———————

It’s been two years since the beginning of their friendship, and Phil doesn’t have to ask his parents for permission to go over to Dan’s place anymore, and Howell’s parents have stopped being surprised by the boy showing up in their house every day a long time ago.  
In those two years Lester has become increasingly attractive, which had Dan feeling the weight of puberty on himself every time he looked at his friend.  
Phil also got a girlfriend recently and Dan was falling apart, because apparently, as it turns out, he’s head over heels in love with Lester.

They are, yet again, on Howell’s bed, and Dan just wants to put a bullet through his head, because as of recently Phil’s new girlfriend has become the topic of basically every conversation.

“Charlotte likes Muse too, can you believe that?! I told her I would bring her to their show with us next month, is that weird, you think? I mean, we’ve only been dating for two weeks.....”

Dan turns away and shuts his eyes, trying to tune out what Phil is saying. In a couple of seconds he feels his friend shaking his shoulder.

“Everything ok, Dan? You like.... zoned out or somethin’...” Lester looks into his eyes and Howell decides he actually quite enjoys being in this position, with Phil’s hand still on his shoulder. 

“Yeah, just didn’t get enough sleep last night is all,” he smiles bitterly and slides of the edge of the bed, heading into the bathroom to wash his face and get his thoughts back in order.

“I’ll be ok,” Dan thinks to himself, not sure if he actually believes that. 

——————

There’s a week left until the Muse show, and Howell loses any desire to talk to Phil, who still never shuts up about his wonderful Charlotte. What’s even more outrageous, is that he’s bringing her to the concert with them. Dan has had more than enough after a month of this girl constantly hanging around Phil. _His_ Phil.  
Once, Dan saw them kissing behind the school building. He just ran away. He wanted to be the one getting dragged behind the school building by Phil just for a kiss, and he’s really, really fucking jealous. Dan is afraid Phil might’ve noticed how his demeanour changes at any mention of Charlotte, because at those moments everything he says is all poison and sarcasm. 

And no matter how much Dan realised that it wasn’t poor Charlotte’s fault in the slightest, he still hated her with passion. 

So he decided to take action.

For the next five days he doesn’t leave Lester’s side for even a minute, sits next to him in class and touches him, nonchalantly, way more than usual.  
Every day he walks Phil to school, and when Charlotte comes near, he’s already standing in front of his friend, blocking his sight and telling him about something. He puts his hand on the older boy’s shoulder, smirking and shooting venomous looks at the girl.  
Sometimes he fixes his friend’s hair, softly, gently, and when Charlotte comes around, just smiles at her innocently, deliberately taking time to remove his hands from Lester’s head.  
Phil’s dumbfounded expressions please him, but not nearly as much as the tense look in Charlotte’s eyes, that he, as of recently, very often finds fixed on himself. He knows he’s acting like a gigantic arsehole, but he’d rather be that then let somebody get more attention from Phil than he does.

One day, the girl catches Dan on his way to the loo. 

“Dan....” she puts her hand in her hair and looks down at her feet.

“Mhm?” an angelic smile forms on Howell’s face and he tries his best not to smirk.

“Uhhh....” she looked nervous. “Is there..... Look, is there something going on between you and Phil? I tried asking him but he didn’t understand what i meant. Or pretended not to understand, shit, I don’t understand anything at this point” the girl seemed genuinely baffled, and Dan could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks.

“No.... I- fuck..... no, there’s nothing going on between us,” he says, biting his lip.

Charlotte looks like she’s digesting the information for a couple seconds, and then her eyes go wide and she puts her hand over her mouth. Dan looks at her, quirking up his eyebrow questioningly. She just shakes her head and paces back to class.

———————

Two days before the show Charlotte dumps Phil with no explanation at all, and the boy, being the angel that he is, blames himself, not noticing Charlotte winking to Dan behind his back. Howell just stares, his face reddening as he starts to realise something. 

They go to the show together, just the two of them, and Dan spends the entire evening desperately wanting to kiss Phil.

He’ll get rid of these feelings. Well, he will at least try. Probably. Maybe. Not now.


	3. like a good friend might

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dan is 16, phil is 17
> 
> enjoy!<з

Dan is sixteen and still very much in love with Phil Lester.

——————

Dan hears steps and opens his eyes, eyelids heavy from sleep.

“Phil?”

“Gooood morning, Danny!” there’s so much enthusiasm in Lester’s voice, that _Danny_ wants to strangle him with a pillow.

“Why the fuck are you so cheerful at...” he glances at the clock on his nightstand “...eight in the morning? It’s a bloody Saturday, I deserve some healthy sleep,” Dan croaks, turning away.

“If you didn’t stay up on the net at ungodly hours you’d be getting more than enough healthy sleep” laughs Phil, and Dan gives up trying to grip at the remains of his sleep. 

“You’d be getting more than enough healthy sleep” Dan grunts, sticking his head up from under the blanket, “Why the fuck are you up disturbing people’s lives so early?”

“The weather’s nice. Get your arse off the bed, Howell, we’re going for a walk” Phil says, dragging the blanket off the boy and laughing at his protesting shriek.

“Wait, you moron, I haven’t even straightened my hair yet! And I’m not dressed, for fuck’s sake,” he mutters, trying to cover his gray boxers with the hem of his stretched pyjama tee. 

“Jesus, Dan, what have you got under there that i haven’t seen? Go get dressed,” Lester laughs again, sticking the tip of his tongue out in between his teeth, and Dan bites his lip, unwillingly staring at his friend. He shakes his head, fending off the remains of sleep and harmful thoughts about Lester and rubs his eyes.

Dan slides off the bed and picks up a wrinkled black t-shirt from the floor. He takes the hem of his pyjama tee and looks at Phil hesitantly. Lester just quirks a brow. Dan doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. Phil has seen him shirtless thousands of times, Jesus, what’s his problem?

“Should I close my eyes?” a small smirk forms on the redhead’s face and Dan bites his lip. 

“Aw, fuck off” and the next second a pillow goes flying into Phil, while Dan uses that opportunity to take his shirt off and take off to the bathroom.

“Don’t straighten your hair!” Lester yells at his back. Dan freezes and turns back to his friend.

“W-what?” 

“Don’t straighten it today. I like it more this way,” he explains. Dan goes red in the face and turns away immediately, reflexively putting a hand in his hair and tucking a couple of curls behind his ear. 

Howell nods faintly and paces to the bathroom. He sighs, turning on the tap and splashing some water on his face. Dan dries his hands and puts on a clean t-shirt. He thinks about the boy waiting for him behind the door. 

It’s gonna be a tough day. 

———————

They come outside and Howell feels lost, because his hair is a curly, hobbit-like mess, and not even the beanie he’s wearing is helping him get rid of the feeling of being completely defenceless. He feels too exposed to the world. Dan pulls his beanie further down, to a point where it covers his ears. Phil frowns, noticing what the younger boy is doing, but then his expression changes suddenly and he turns to Howell with a smile. 

“Cat’s throwing a party tonight,” he announces, looking at his friend expectantly. 

“Good for her,” Dan nods, quirking a brow.

“Aaaaaand we’re both invited,” Phil looks so excited that the corners of Howell’s lips quirk up on their own accord. 

“Aaaaaand you’re really planning on going? You think two socially-awkward nerds at a party where people drink alcohol and play inappropriate games is a good idea?”

“Aw, come on! PJ and Chris will be there too. We could just hang out around them the entire night. Why not just try? Please?” he raises his eyebrows and Dan wants to punch him in his adorable face out of despair.

“Fine, we’re going to your stupid party,” Howell curses Phil and his goddamn puppy eyes while Lester just beams at him.

———————

Dan is positively hammered.  
They are sat in a circle and at the centre of it is an empty wine bottle. Howell feels like a character in a coming-of-age film. He looks at Phil sitting opposite of him. Phil is really, really fucking pretty, and contrary to Dan, almost fully sober. Howell’s gaze creeps across Lester’s face like a fly, especially dwelling on the lips. If Phil was sitting next to him, Dan would’ve already said “fuck it” and kissed him, but he was on the opposite side of the circle, so Howell was left pining. The girl next to him (Louise...?), who he’d met approximately fifteen minutes ago, tugs on Dan’s sleeve. 

“Cute curls...... they really...... suit you. At school your hair is usually,” she laughs dumbly, and Dan realises that her condition is no better than his own “..straight.”

Then he hears Cat. Unpleasant. He slaps his ear, trying to kill the nonexistent fly buzzing inside of his head in Cat’s voice, but it doesn’t work.  
He tries to listen in on what she’s saying.

“I’m pretty sure everybody knows how to play ‘spin the bottle’..... I’ll go first.”

Then Dan’s brain shuts down and he goes back to staring at Phil’s face. The boy smiles at him and Howell frowns, trying to remember which eye people usually wink with, but then his gaze slides down to Lester’s lips and stays there, Dan’s mouth hanging open. PJ, sitting somewhere near, laughs at him and Howell lazily waves his middle finger in his direction. Suddenly he hears a familiar sound.

“Dan! Louise kisses Dan!” Dan is trying to comprehend what’s going on when Louise gives him a sloppy kiss on the cheek, laughing, and he smiles weakly, wiping off the wet mark.

“Spin the bottle, Dan,” Cat buzzes again and Howell obediently reaches for the bottle, pushing it ever-so-slightly. He furrows his brows, focusing all of his attention on the rim of the bottle, and realises it’s pointing at Phil. 

“O-oh, Dan kisses Phil!” 

Dan sobers up just a little bit and his eyes go wide. Then he sees the surprised look on Lester’s face. Howell tucks a couple of curls behind his ear and begins to stand up but his legs betray him, his knees bending as he falls back, much to people’s amusement. Phil makes his way to Dan, sitting down next to him. People around them don’t seem to care that much, because there’s barely anybody looking their way. Only Kat is watching them out of the corner of her eye, while some guy whispers something that is likely not-very-PG into her ear, PJ and Chris are giggling, falling on top of each other and seemingly interested in what’s about to go down, and Louise is smiling enthusiastically with her hands clasped together.  
Dan starts to shake a little bit. Yes, maybe he was all confident, planning on conquering Phil’s mouth five minutes ago, but now Lester is sitting right in front of him, and everything seems so painfully real that Howell starts to sober up, and now he’s really, really scared.  
Until Phil’s lips reach his. The kiss is simple, almost childlike, the boy barely touching Dan’s lips with his closed mouth, and that’s not exactly what Howell initially wanted.  
Until it is.  
He gathers up all that’s left of his courage and puts his hands on Phil’s face, drawing him closer.  
His heart is going crazy, like it’s about to tear his chest open, and he feels it beating in his head.  
Dan forgets how to think, breathe and just exist in general, because he’s kissing Phil _fucking_ Lester.  
He’d been wanting to do this for the past two goddamn years, and no matter how disgusting the taste of alcohol was, how much Dan’s entire body hurt, or how sweaty and loud everything was, Dan was happy.  
But then there’s no air left in his lungs and Howell finally leans back. And sees the flabbergasted look in the blue eyes in front of him. How PJ and Chris have stopped laughing and are now just staring at them. How Cat is raising her eyebrows in surprise, and Dan starts to feel bad.  
He gathers all of his remaining strength to stand up and walks away, as fast as he can, to find the nearest bathroom.

Louise gives Phil a confused look, the smile slowly leaving her face. 

“The way he looked at you..... I thought you guys were dating......”

————————

Dan is sitting on the bathroom floor backed up against the sink. His entire body aches. He’d never felt this shitty and helpless. He doesn’t even have the strength to stand up. He started weeping on his way to the bathroom and then, when he finally reached it, he threw up a couple times. Tears were still rolling down his face. He fucked it all up. Everything he had with Phil, all the trust they’d built in those two years, everything’s gone. Dan has lost his only friend and it’s his fault. He hears a knock on the door and opens his mouth to curse at whoever’s behind it but only whimpers come out. 

“Dan, hey, it’s me,” Phil’s voice sounds soft and there’s no hate in it. Dan doesn’t understand. His lip starts quivering and the lump in his throat he thought was gone comes back again. Tears come running down his face twice as hard and Howell covers up his face, having no other way to hide. 

He hears Phil’s footsteps. Feels warm hands on his shoulders. Lester pulls him in and Dan lets go, starting to fully weep. Openly, loudly, his entire body shaking as he leans into Phil’s chest, who, for some reason, doesn’t push him away. Who, for some fucking reason, came for him.

“Let’s go, hey, Dan, it’s okay. Let’s go home,” he feels those same gentle hands pick him up. He puts his hands away from his face and sees Lester’s worried, unsure expression, his eyes full of nothing but concern and gentleness. He manages to stand up. Phil leads him out of the house and holds him up by the arm the entire way. When they finally reach Dan’s house, Lester walks him to his bedroom and leaves. As soon as the door closes behind him, Howell sits down on the bed and his eyes fill up with tears yet again. He can’t stop. He crawls under the blanket, still clothed, and just lays there looking at the ceiling, sniffling quietly. In a couple of minutes, he hears the door open. He stops immediately and covers his face up with the blanket. He doesn’t want his parents to see him like this. 

“Hey, Dan. It’s still me,” he hears Phil’s soft voice again, “I made tea.”

Dan crawls up from under the blanket and looks at his friend.

“You gotta change. Take your jeans off,” Lester turns away just in case, leaving the cup filled with hot tea on the nightstand.

Dan looks at Phil awkwardly standing next to the nightstand. He takes his jeans off underneath the blanket and throws them off the bed. The older boy turns back to him, sitting down on the edge of the bed and hands Howell the cup. It warms Dan’s cold hands. It burns a little at first, but then he gets used to the temperature and takes a sip. He looks at Phil.

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly, looking into his friend’s face. 

Lester smiles softly and puts his hand in his hair. “It’s okay, Dan, really.”

Dan just stares at Phil, because there’s really no explanation for why he’s like that. He expected anything but this kind of reaction from Lester. He takes another sip, not saying a word. The tea has cooled down enough for it to not burn Howell’s tongue at all. 

After a while Dan puts away the cup and wraps up in his blanket. The last thing he sees is Phil on the edge of his bed. Howell gives him a bitter smile before finally dozing off. He doesn’t see the older boy looking at his face, deep in thought.

The next morning Lester lets his friend stay in bed when he leaves for school. 

They don’t talk about it.

Dan just cries himself to sleep more often, because now he knows what Phil Lester tastes like. 

He doesn’t know if Phil actually tasted him. 

Phil, for the first time in years, opens his eyes.


End file.
